Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis?

Watch this 48 second long Monty Python clip on youtube. It’ll make you laugh. Not at work though, it’s all about penis.

Really though, I think it would be nice to have a penis. It’s not that I have a huge desire to have a dangly thing between my legs.  And not in a weird “I was born into the wrong body and now take testosterone injections” kind of way. More in a “life would be so much easier if I was a man” kind of way.

I mean there’s your obvious stuff – more pay for the same job, no periods or pregnancy, dominating board rooms all over the world and, of course, getting served your dinner first by Mammy. But I’ve been noticing more lately.

  • You get to use really stupid/ridiculous pick-up lines on women that by the law of averages are bound to work if you do it often enough. Example: Last week I was drinking in a bar with two girlfriends when a guy came up and asked one if that was creme de menthe she was drinking [it was a tall, blue cocktai]. Now presmably at some point, he or some other guy has actually gotten laid off a line that lame. Now picture a girl going up to a group of men and saying something like ‘So, is that a beer you’re drinking?’ She would be laughed away in no time for clearly being a big desperado!
  • You can do stuff on your own. Now I’m a big fan of doing stuff on my own, but it’s harder without a shhlong [isn’t shhlong a great word?]. I went to Sri Lanka alone last year and absolutely loved it, but I got ripped off everywhere I went and I couldn’t help but feel it was because I was a single white female. People wouldn’t f*** with me like that if I was a man, ’cause clearly I’d be well hardcore. Going back to the previous story about yer man, he was sitting in that bar alone and fair play to him, but a woman sitting on her own in that bar would have been presumed to be a prostitute- it’s just not fair!
  • No make-up, hair straighteners, curlers, high heels, shaving every hair on your body from the neck down, nail polish and here’s the one I’m most jealous of- you don’t have to wear a bra [I just realised I’m at home now and I can take my bra off – yay!]  All Irish men have to do is put on a shirt and non-running shoes to be considered scrubbed up well!

So there you’se have it. I reckon life would be a lot handier with a willy. I mean obviously there would be pressures that come with that too [Is it big enough? Wide enough? Does it work when you want it to? Will it stay asleep when you have to stand up and give a presentation in front of your boss] so I don’t have a definitive answer.

What do ye think?

  1. Ted says:

    You women never have to worry about sitting on your own balls. That’s firmly in the win column.

    • OracularSpectacular says:

      That’s true, must look on the bright side of my penislessness! I have to go through labour though, and from what I’ve heard that’s pretty much no fun.

  2. Jack says:

    You have missed one of the major benefits.

    The entire world is our urinal. All we need is a tree and thirty seconds. We don’t have to hold it—ever.

    Plus, it’s irrelevant whether the lid is up or down. I know that’s a biggie from several instances in my youth.

  3. […] for a drink: As I mentioned here, this is much easier for a man. But screw it, if you want to have a glass of wine after work, go […]

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