I’m upset with January. You see, it seems like it was designed to make you feel like a failure. And that’s not very nice, is it?
It all starts back with November, a wily minx teasing you into the Festive season, with work drinks and hot whiskeys “because you’re coming down with a cold”. A glass of wine here, 17 jaeger bombs there – what’s a girl to do?
December whizzes by with more and more merriment, pretty colouredy lights, presents and songs. You take a quick break on Christmas day for a small bit of time with the family and before you know it it’s time to put a sparkly dress on and head out again for New Year’s Eve.
“3…2…1… HAPPY NEW YEAR” Le petit mort, or just a hangover. You wake up nauseous not quite sure where you are, how you got there and whether all limbs are still attached. You know your head is still there because it. is. killing. you.
And today, TODAY of all days you’re supposed to start to get healthy? Eat fruit? Exercise? Worst timing ever, wouldn’t ya say? Tomorrow, you tell yourself. We’ll start tomorrow. And you do.
Day 1 goes amazingly, you’re revelling in feeling human again after recovering from the hangover, you get out of bed at 11 to make a nice healthy breakfast and organic green tea. You feel super smug. You even write a smug blog post (click previous, I can’t add links from my blackberry!)
That’s what makes January cruel. You fool yourself into thinking you’re going to win. This is the year – alcohol detox, weight loss, general overhaul of life! You’re like “yeah, let’s do this, I am now a fit healthy, non-drinking person. Go me, it’s ma bur-thay”
Then you go back to work (to an unpaid internship, 2 buses and 6 trains a day if you’re as lucky as me!), you’re broker and fatter than before because of the previously described excesses and all you want in life is a vodka and orange but you can’t have it because you made a bet with your housemate. And he’ll hold it over your head til kingdom come if he wins.
So, in summary, yeah… Fuck off January!