Airport w***ers!

Going home for Christmas?

By plane?

Good luck.

I officially hate airports [though I love flying] and shall henceforth travel only by magic carpet. If you really must go through an airport to get home, watch out for these twats and PLEASE, please don’t be one!

Security snails: You knew you were going to travel today, right? And that you’d be going through metal detectors? Then why for the love of God why did you wear a belt/steel tipped shoes/15,000 bangles/42 body piercings/bring your laptop/keep loose change in your pocket? Don’t you know I have Christmas shopping to take care of in the Duty-free? Are you deliberately moving in slow-motion? How much time do I have to entertain this for before it’s considered just cause for your murder?!

Rebels: And following on from the above – In most aspects of life, I’m all about being rebellious. At airports it is never the time or the place. Yes, it is stupid that you can’t bring liquids over 100ml, I agree. But that is the rule and it doesn’t matter how hot you think you are or how much of an ass you are being, they are not going to make an exception  for you, so say goodbye to your hairspray or whatever it is they are taking off you and suck it up! If your baggage is overweight, that’s your problem, pay the fee and STFU – you knew what the limits are, or at least you should have – so STOP wasting MY time and move on with your life.

Beauty queens: Clearly this one spawns from the green-eyed monster. When I see girls in airports in high heels, tight clothes, hair curled perfectly and full make-up my first thought is “Wow, she is so glamorous” but almost immediately I move on to “What was the point in that? Her feet must be killing her, her hair isn’t going to last the 7 hour flight, her make-up will smudge and she won’t be comfortable.” Come join us at slobs’r’us I say – loose clothes, comfy shoes, easy hair. 99.9% of the people you meet on the journey are going to be strangers like me – who are you trying to impress?

Parents: Shut your brat up. Get him his juice, chocolate, blanky or whatever it is he needs to take that shit down a few decibels. I don’t hate the kid, he’s having a tough day, it’s late, he’s tired and in unfamiliar surroundings, no wonder he’s a bit upset! But I’m tired and cranky too, and watching you absentmindedly play with your phone while your kid demonstrates his admittedly impressive lung capacity is not helping matters.

There are plenty more I’m sure – don’t even get me started on airport staff! What are your pet hates when travelling?

PS: It was  all worth it when I heard the airport security in Dublin greet me with a North-side ‘Howiya love?” – it’s good to be home!

  1. limonchik says:

    an excellent rant, well done! I think you pretty much covered it.

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